


You Are My Sunshine

by thelittlewolf45



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, Major Charcter Death, please cry - just tears, tw for suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-05-31 14:39:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15121598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelittlewolf45/pseuds/thelittlewolf45
Summary: Ryan dies in a tragic accident and leaves Shane a widower six months into their marriage. To cope with Ryan's death, Shane takes time to go over each part of their relationship.WARNING FOR MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, ALCOHOL,





	1. Amen

**Author's Note:**

> The song of this chapter is "Amen" By Amber Run and London Contemporary Vocal Group. I'm trying to make this a bit of a slow burn so :) This chapter is un-betaed so please bear with me until it gets edited
> 
> Song link: https://youtu.be/NyY7wnGIlTQ

Shane hadn’t left the hospital. The minute he heard about his husband’s car crash, he hadn’t hesitated in driving his ass over to the hospital as quick as he could, so he could be there for Ryan.

And he was glad he did.

Ryan’s beautiful body was broken and destroyed. A broken leg and a broken arm. But the most shocking thing was the brain damage. The damage was so severe that the doctors hadn’t given him long. A few weeks at most.

Shane stared in shock when the doctor, an older lady named Doctor Lindell, broke the heartbreaking news. He begged to see his husband but was denied because the doctors were trying so hard to save him.

Shane had never expected something like this to ever to happen. He at least expected a demon to be involved. I mean come on, all this time living with Ryan and his dumb conspiracy theories, he at least expected a ghost or a demon to be involved in one of their deaths.

But no.

It was a sleepy 18-wheeler driver who drove over the median and almost killing his love. Almost taking his sunshine away. The driver was in the hospital too. Doctor Lindell wouldn’t let him talk to Shane – fearing a fight may break out.

Yet all Shane could do was sit in the waiting room – waiting and praying for something to happen, for news of his beloved. He wasn’t a religious man but at a time like this, that’s all he could do.

He didn’t want to tell their parents. No – not yet. They didn’t need to worry. It was best that they were left in the dark, just until he heard something.

So here he was, sitting in a hospital waiting room in his sweatpants and baggy, surprisingly oversized Iron Man t-shirt. The chatter around him kept him somewhat distracted. For 2 am, there weren’t THAT many people, but this was LA. There was a couple in the corner trying to calm their crying son. There was a man sitting not too far from him with a bloody hand.  
Hours passed. Still no word. It was now 2 am and against his better judgement – he decided to call his parents. Not Ryan’s. Just his. He needed to talk to someone and didn’t want the news to spread to Buzzfeed just yet.

Hitting the call button on his mother’s contact he waited for his mom to pick up. His heart was racing. It was like he was coming out all over again. What would he say? Fuck, this was a bad idea.

Before he could hang out, he heard the soft lit of his mother’s voice on the other end.

“Shaney,” She whispered. “Why are you calling at 4 am?”

“Mom, oh god.” And that’s when the tears started flowing. “Ryan, he was in a car crash. He may not make it.” He was sobbing just saying and slightly coming more aware of the situation.

“Shane. What? Oh my god! We’ll book a flight tomorrow and me and your father will be there soon. Have you told Ryan’s parents?” She was just as worried as he. The way her voice just layered with worry and concern for Ryan and her son.

“No, I didn’t want to worry them. Fuck I don’t know what to do,” He sobbed. He wiped the tears away and his voice cracked.

“Shane Madej! Call them as soon as you hang up with me. We’ll be there as soon as we can. I love you – keep me updated please.” He wished that she was here and that she could just help him.

“I love you mom.”

“I love you too,” His mom whispered. “Please, please, please keep me updated. I love Ryan as much as I love you.”

His mother hung up and Shane was left alone, alone again in the hospital waiting room. The man with the bloody hand wasn’t there anymore. The couple with the crying child wasn’t there anymore. He was truly alone.

Doctor Lindell walked through the double doors and called Shane over to her. The older woman had a sad look on her face.  
“Mister Madej, I’m so sorry,” her voice was laced with sadness. “Your husband may not make it but he’s stable as of now. He’s in a horrible state as of now.”

The tears started flowing again. The doctor grabbed his hand in a comforting manner.  
“I’ll take you to his room.” She smiled gently. This doctor was so comforting, and it made Shane feel better about breaking down crying.

She led him to Ryan’s hospital room. But Shane was not prepared for what he saw.  
There was Ryan, hooked up to so many machines and there were cuts all over his face that Shane could see from the doorway. Holy shit, Ryan was fucked.

He walked over slowly to the bed, still trying to process that Ryan was the man hooked up to the many machines in the hospital room. He looked smaller than ever before. His golden skin was bruised, and his beautiful hazel eyes were shut. He looked peaceful.   
Shane sat down beside him, in the chair beside the bed, and grabbed his husband’s hand. This was a disaster.

Shane sat there for a few hours, holding his hand and stroking his hair. It was now around 5 in the morning. It was heartbreaking to look at. Shane looked more disheveled than when he came into the hospital.

He had his head against Ryan’s shoulder as he scrolled through his phone. He was planning on driving down to Ryan’s parents just to tell them in person what happened.  
Standing up, he stroked the younger man’s cheek and kissed him softly on his forehead.  
It broke his heart just looking at him in this state.

-

The drive to Ryan’s parents house was about a 3-hour drive and after texting Ms. Bergara that he was coming down to tell them something. He hated California traffic and the stupid prices of gas.

Pulling up into the driveway, he pondered what he would even say to them. Hey, your son is in the hospital because he almost died.

No that wouldn’t work. That was too harsh. Maybe he would just break it to them softly and try to avoid being punched.

Stepping out of the car, he began walking towards the door. Ryan’s mother was standing on the porch, looking more worried than Shane was when he got the call.

“Shane Madej, what the hell is going on?” Ryan’s mother’s voice was shaking as she looked at her son’s disheveled husband. 

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so, sorry,” he sobbed. Ms. Bergara wrapped her arms around the taller man, rubbing his back and slightly rocking him back and forth.

“Is Ryan okay?” That’s right. He’s here for Ryan.

“Ryan is in the hospital. There was a tired driver of an 18-wheeler who swerved and hit him. He’s not okay. He may not make it.” Sobs racked his body and he just cried in his mother-in-law’s arms.

“Come inside.” She led him to the door. “We need to sit down and talk.”

Inside the house, Shane sat down on the couch. It was early and Mr. Bergara had just awoken. His father-in-law sat across from him with Ms. Bergara beside him, holding his hand.

“What happened Shane?” They both looked so worried.

“I got a call around 11:30 last night that Ryan was in the hospital. A tired 18-wheeler driver swerved over in his lane and almost killed him. I only saw him once and he was in such a horrible state. They said that he may not have a lot of time. I didn’t want to call you guys and tell you over the phone. I called my parents already, they’re on their way. I’m so fucking sorry.” A sob racked through his body and he heard the sobs of the couple across from him.

Ms. Bergara moved over beside Shane, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, rubbing his back and running her hands through his hair. It felt nice, it made him feel safe.

-

The Bergara’s allowed him to stay in Ryan’s old room. In his room, there were photos of him in his basketball uniform and photos of him with his high school friends.   
“Shane,” Ms. Bergara poked her head in the room, “I have something for you.”

“You didn’t have to bring me anything,” He whispered, his voice shot from all the crying.

Ms. Bergara sat beside him on the bed. In her hands, she held a teddy bear and what looked like Ryan’s high school basketball jersey. 

“This is Ryan’s childhood teddy bear, Mister Snuggles. He used this up until his senior year in high school. I think he’d want you to have it.” Shane took the small bear in his hands and pulled it against his chest.

“Now this is Ryan’s senior year jersey. The company messed up and we somehow got an extra large but we kept it regardless. It may fit you but if not just use it as a blanket of some sorts. Now go shower and sleep. You look so tired. We’ll take our time going back to LA.”

Shane nodded reached out for a hug and Ryan’s mom gave him a big ol’ bear hug. 

“I love you, Shane. Regardless of what happens to Ryan, you’ll always be part of our family. Now, go take a shower.”

-

After his shower, despite the fact that his hair was still soaking wet and he’s too tall to fit on Ryan’s childhood bed, he lets his feet hang off the bed as he prepares to nap. Ryan’s too big jersey fit him nicely and it was a nice reminder of how much of a jock his husband was. He cuddled up to Ryan’s bear and let sleep overtake him.


	2. An Engagement and A Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shane is forced to say goodbye to Ryan before he is ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter explains why my name is 'Sad Satan' on Tumblr. Here's a shameless self-promo thelittlewolf45.tumblr.com  
> Also major shout out to Nini from shyanlibrary.tumblr.com for editing for me. She is amazing and if you have a tumblr please go follow her. She's the number one source for Shyan fics. I'm so grateful for her editing this  
> Anyway! Please enjoy!

Shane paced nervously back and forth around the apartment. Today was the day that he would propose. He had bought a small golden band that he knew Ryan would love.  
Six years together and he’s just now getting the balls to get down on one knee and promise to love and protect Ryan forever. He’d taken the day off to go get the ring he wanted to give Ryan and he went to go get flowers. Sunflowers to be exact.  
Tonight would be perfect.  
-  
LA traffic was always a bitch. Ms. Bergara sat beside him in the car, her husband not too far behind. They’d opted to take separate cars so that it would be easier for them to go home later that evening.  
Shane hadn’t felt this much tension in the air since he and Ryan finally admitted their relationship to his grandparents. Ms. Bergara cried silent tears that if the car hadn’t been so deathly silent, Shane wouldn’t have heard her.  
He extended his hand out to her, trying to give her as much comfort as he could in the current moment.  
“Ryan would be so proud of you,” Ms. Bergara said quietly.  
Shane wiped the tears from his eyes that he didn’t even know were welling up. Traffic was moving very slowly, leaving the pair stuck in the car. His left hand was on the steering wheel and his right was holding Ms. Bergara’s hand.  
“We’ll be okay. I promise.”  
-  
Ryan came in late from work.  
“Honey! I’m home!”  
Shane poked his head around the corner from the kitchen.  
“Hey dork. I’m making dinner.”  
“Aren’t you sweet!”  
-  
The hospital room was deadly silent. They had nothing to say. Nothing really needed to be said. Shane wanted to say so many things, but he lacked the words to fully express how much he regretted not being there for their son.  
The silence was only broken by Shane’s phone ringing. He got up, kissing Ryan’s forehead softly before he walked out of the room. The contact on his phone showed his mother’s name.  
“Hello.” Shane’s voice was weak and shaky.  
“Hey baby, we’re about to board a plane to LA,” His mother spoke, sounding tired. “How’s Ryan? Did you call his parents?”  
“Ryan’s still stable as of now. I’m supposed to talk to a doctor later today.” He tried to sound optimistic, even though he knew that Ryan may not make it.  
“Honey don’t worry. I’ll call you when we land.” Her voice was full of sympathy. “Give Ryan’s parents my love.”  
-  
They were sitting at the dinner table, laughing at something that had happened at work.  
“So, I have a little surprise for you.” Shane smile, reaching in his pocket for the velvet box that held the ring. The ring that would change his future.  
“Oh boy,” Ryan groaned. “Is it good?”  
Shane set the box on the table, popping the top open to reveal a beautiful golden ring.  
“Depends. Will you marry me?”  
-  
Doctor Lindell had pulled Shane and the Bergaras out of Ryan’s room.  
“Mister Bergara-Madej doesn’t have much longer,” the older woman spoke softly. “I would give him four days at most.”  
She must have seen the way Shane’s face went from hope of his love surviving to despair realizing he only had a few days left with him.  
“I’m so sorry. The crash damaged his spinal cord and even though he’s unconscious, he’s in a great deal of pain.”  
Ms. Bergara started crying and Shane froze. He tried to say anything. He tried to say something to comfort the crying of his mother-in-law.  
But no words escaped his mouth.  
-  
“Wait, really?” Ryan’s jaw dropped. He was expecting Shane to propose soon but not this soon.  
Shane just laughed and shook his head. “Of course! Sometimes I wonder if you have a brain up there or if it’s just conspiracy theories just floating around up there.”  
Ryan slapped Shane’s arm as he laughed.  
“I think you know your answer then Mister Madej.”  
-  
Ryan’s parents had gone home for the night. Shane’s parents were in a hotel, resting from their journey. And Shane was alone in Ryan’s room again.  
He pulled out his phone, intent on only texting Jen what had happened. Instead, he found himself staring at a text from Steven that was just simply asking if Ryan was okay because he hadn’t heard from him.  
That’s when it really hit Shane. He wasn’t the only one who would be crying over Ryan.  
His head rested against Ryan’s shoulder as he opened his texts. There were some from other people at Buzzfeed, mostly telling him how funny the new episode of Ruining History was and other things.  
Tapping on Jen’s contact, he pondered on what he would even say. He wasn’t a very emotional person so when it came down to it, he decided that being blunt was better than beating around the bush.  
I don’t know how to say this really but, Ryan was in a car crash and he doesn’t have long. 4 days to be exact. If you would like to visit, just text me and I’ll tell you where to go but otherwise keep this on the DL I don’t want people worrying. I’m so sorry you’re finding out like this.  
He didn’t exactly like it, but it said exactly what it needed to say. He pressed send quickly, not wanting to back track on anything he said. Jen was gonna be so fucking pissed.  
He copied the message and sent it to Steven before he shut off his phone. In four short days, he would be without Ryan. He would be without his love and that scared him more than anything.  
-  
The golden band fit on Ryan’s finger perfectly. Their dishes were long forgotten as they moved to the couch. Ryan laid in between Shane’s legs as they chose a documentary to watch.  
“We should prank Steven,” Ryan murmured. Shane laughed and ran his fingers through his now fiancé’s hair.  
“He already hates you for being a huge asshole to him in the past. You really think that’s a good idea?”  
“I think it would be funny!”  
-  
He must have fallen asleep because he was startled by his phone buzzing in his hand. He rubbed his eyes and squinted at his phone screen. It was a text from Jen.  
Fuck you, Madej. How dare you not tell me! Fuck you for keeping it a secret. Fuck you for not telling me.  
Oh, she was pissed. In hindsight, Shane should have told them SOMETHING but even now, he couldn’t find the words. Ryan was always better than him with words and especially with dealing with Jen and other people.  
His phone buzzed again, and he looked down, expecting another text from Jen spilling profanities at him but it was text from Steven.  
Is this a joke, Shane? Bc you did the something similar when you two got engaged when you said you two broke up. This better not be a joke! Am I expecting to be a godfather?”  
Shane couldn’t respond, not tonight. So, he didn’t. It could wait until the morning. Right now, he wanted to just snuggle with Ryan. That’s all he really needed.  
In his head, he wanted to forget what was going on around him. He wanted to forget about the clock that was counting down to the end of his love’s life. He wanted to forget about where he was, and he wanted to just imagine that they were back at home. He wanted to imagine that Ryan was okay. He wanted to go back to a simpler time. When they were happy. When they were both safe and both alive.  
But alas, the clock kept counting down.  
Three more days to go. Three more days until he was alone.  
-  
Day three was for their parents.  
The first thing that Shane’s mother did was hug him as hard as she could. Shane’s arms wrapped around her small frame, relishing the hug.  
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered in his ear. “I’m so sorry.”  
Ryan’s parents came around lunch that day and that’s when they said goodbye.  
The previous nights have all been discussing the elephant in the room. Ryan.  
Shane wanted Ryan to live. Everyone did. But he was in pain. And thus the decision was made.  
-  
Steven and Jen visited on the second day.  
“Why the fuck wouldn’t you tell us?” Jen was standing in the doorway of the small hospital room, while Steven decided to pull a chair besides Ryan’s bed.  
“I thought he had longer. I would have told you guys sooner but I just thought he had longer.” Shane was a mess and it was obvious. Not sleeping for two days took a toll on him.  
“You still should have told us!”  
“Jen, it’s okay. Let the man live,” Steven interjected into the conversation. “He’s been through hell.”  
“I don’t understand you, Madej,” Jen sighed.  
Shane had nothing to say. He knew he was wrong and he knew it was pointless arguing with her.  
“I’m sorry.” That’s all Shane could really say and that’s all that needed to be said.

-  
The last day was for Shane.  
Not a sound could be heard in the room besides the gentle beeping of a heart monitor. He just sat in that silence. All the tears he could cry, he had already cried in the previous days.  
He looked almost as dead as Ryan. Brown eyes glossed over with tears. Body catatonic with the shock finally setting in and rendering him in totally useless. He gripped onto his love’s hand, praying for this to be a joke. A joke. A cruel, heartless joke.  
So he just sat there. Tears on his cheeks as the heart monitor flatlined.  
That was the end of Ryan Steven Bergara.


	3. In which the Sky also cried for Ryan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TW FOR SELF HARM
> 
> Shane hits his first major depression, a day after the crash, and looks over how he met Ryan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again thanks to Nina for editing this. go send her some love on Tumblr she deserves the world!
> 
> This is based on my actual experiences with depression and death and self-harm. My scars are now embarrassments and I absolutely hate them. Please know that I am always available to listen on thelittlewolf45.tumblr.com or @lepetitloup45 on Instagram. You are not alone! Someone does love you!
> 
> I will not apologize for how long it took me to write this. I lost my motivation because I had my own little week of depression so this chapter is shorter but hopefully, you guys still enjoy!
> 
> And for those of you who have never heard Hurt by Johnny Cash - I can only cry for you, It's a great song - go give it a listen and read this chapter.

The rain pattered against their apartment windows. When it rained like this in LA, time seemed to freeze. As of right now, however, Shane wanted to look at the heavy downpour of rain like the sky was crying for Ryan as well.

Shane couldn’t keep his tears in any longer. Just staying in bed, their bed, with the sky crying for Ryan. It hurt.

Days like this were Ryan’s absolute favorite. 

On days like this, they would spend the day cuddled in bed, watching cult documentaries and working. Days like this were usually filled with love and laughter. Now, all that lingered in the air was the overwhelming sadness of Shane being alone.

It hurt him so fucking much. He would never be able to hold his husband close to him again. He would never feel Ryan’s touch again. He wouldn’t ever feel Ryan’s hand running through his hair again.

If only they hadn’t argued.

If only Shane hadn’t yelled at him and told him to fuck off.

If only he had listened.

Maybe Ryan wouldn’t be dead.

Tears did nothing. Crying did absolutely shit. Crying couldn’t undo the past. Crying couldn’t undo what happened.

Ryan was gone.

And Shane couldn’t do shit about it.  
-  
The alarm clock beside the bed blinked 10;45 pm and Shane was still lying in bed. The only thing different from the morning was the fact that Ryan’s shirts surrounded the man.

Everything in the apartment still held his scent. Everything reminded him of his husband.

He had been debating on posting something but decided not to, praying that he could keep this private until he was ready.

The rain was still pounding against the windows and it reflected how much Shane was crying.

Shane was now a broken man.

He was alone again.  
-  
Shane had not self-harmed in years. Ryan had made sure that Shane had stopped when they became friends. As interns, Ryan had noticed the taller man’s scars at their first ever Buzzfeed Pool Party.

They had been introduced and knew of each other but they were not that close just yet. But Ryan saw Shane and decided that ‘hey, I should protect this one.’

Ryan was his guardian and he was alone without him. His heart was empty. He had no reason to keep going. Ryan was his light and his life.

Without him, Shane feared he turn back to the darkness inside of him.  
-  
Shane’s biggest fear about this pool party was his scars. He always wore long sleeves to work but this would the first time all of his scars would be on display for the entire office to see. He hated what he had done in the past but now the scars were just an embarrassment.

When he walked into the pool area, nobody mentioned anything. Some people stared, but most of the people he was talking to ended up ignoring the scars.

Shane noticed the young, or just short, boy staring at him, making him feel a bit more self-conscious than normal. Yeah, the guy was cute and all, but Shane wasn’t a 10/10. The young boy came up to him, sticking out his hand bravely and with a wide smile.

“Hi. I’m Ryan. We’ve met before, but you seem lonely.”  
-  
Shane sat on his bathroom floor, glaring at the glistening knife in his right hand.

He hated what he was thinking but one more time wouldn’t kill him.

Just a few more cuts.

He’d be okay.

He’d still be alive after.

Ryan never really got mad when he relapsed. He usually just sat in the bathroom and helped him clean his cuts and he always made sure Shane was okay.  
-  
“Shane, why didn’t you tell me you were feeling like this again?” Ryan was sitting behind Shane with his arms around his boyfriend’s waist.

“It’s nothing that serious, Ry. I’ll be okay.”

“It is actually very fucking serious. I made a promise that I wouldn’t see you do this again and now I’ve failed you!”  
-  
Blood trickled down his left wrist. The vertical cuts meant to put him in the hospital.

It fucking hurt, but not as much as Ryan’s death.

Ryan’s death left him empty. He was emotionless without his ray of sunshine. To Shane, Ryan would always be that sunshine in the darkness.

Now that sunshine was gone and he was in darkness again.

No more sunlight shed on Shane’s broken and destroyed soul.

A song echoed in Shane’s head. An old song that he had heard hundreds of times on TV shows and movies.

I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel.  
I focused on the pain, the only thing that’s real.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All tears will be collected and used as ink to print this out! Thank you for your contribution! Feel free to leave your death threats in the comment section below!


End file.
